The haematologist wondered why my platelets are low, and asked if I was bleeding anywhere. I'm sure I'd notice if I was. there's no blood in the things I excrete, so I have no idea! If I am bleeding, it must be an occult bleed - so I might need upper and lower scopes. I hope not!
Haematology is something I haven't grasped yet. And don't particularly want to, though understanding it would possibly reduce the anxiety of dealings with something I don't understand. Not understanding raises multiple unknown possibilities, which waken the scary monster under the bed. Understanding helps me turn on the light and show there is nothing to fear.
I'm not afraid of dying, I know our souls are eternal and that we never leave the ones we love, that time is an illusion...I just don't want to die any time soon. I have too much to do, over many more years. I want to stay alive to cherish and nurture my boys, to try and help people where I can. I feel so much love for other people and every creature, it feels like my heart could burst.
I remember when David was born, I felt such a sense of wonder at the miracle of life, and for a while I was aware that every person I saw, particularly the grumpy ones, had once been a helpless baby, and that every single one of us is a creature of light, needing compassion and love.
Being in a shared room is making my heart even more open to others. A colleague is in the bed next to mine, two little old ladies are opposite me, one is the mother of my grade five teacher, who just came and said hello to me. I didn't recognise her after 35 years (her hair is funkier than mine), it was soooo good to talk to her. She said she'd written something in my report that she'd never be allowed to write today- that I was "university material". I told her how glad I was that she'd written it, because it opened up the prospect of Uni to me, and to my father, in a family which had not traditionally gone on to higher education. It was so good to thank her for being my teacher, I remember nearly all of them with affection and gratitude, and wish I'd had the chance to tell them all.
I'd better go now. I'm having a CT angiogram tomorrow with a view to having a new infusaport inserted on Friday. The CT is necessary to check for scar tissue in the vein that held my original port. If that vein isn't suitable, then they can either use my jugular vein (neck), or my femoral vein (groin). I'm visualsing a very healthy, unscarred, original port site. The thought of having a port in my neck or thigh is not exciting.
They didn't state it explicitly, but I think the port is needed to help with regular blood collections, and possibly tranfusions. I have two good veins in my right arm, but one has a cannula in it now, and there's a risk they could become unviable with repeated access. I'm not keen on having blood taken from my groin or legs. An infusaport is much more convenient for repeated collections and infusions.
wishing you all a safe, healthy, and happy new year, filled with appreciation of the simple things in life
Much love,
Fiona
