I'm feeling fed up with being a human pin cushion. I've had two lots of blood taken today, my old cannula started leaking and was removed, and it took two attempts to get a new one in: the first in the small veins in the back of my hand, the second in the vein on the inner side of my wrist. Both are painful places to have needles inserted, but the pain doesn't last long, and I'm feeling better after the IV antibiotics. I want to continue to feel better, so I'll accept and tolerate any treatments they say are necessary. I am beginning, however, to get a bit bollshie in querying the reasons for such procedures.
I am so bloody sick of all this, I'd just like to take a rest from it all. I can see why some patients refuse to have further treatment, and I respect that. I'm not going to give up, I finally got through my PhD in 7 years, I'm going to get through this.
Sleep is a good refuge, and I've been sleeping well in here and having lots of dreams (including one in which I was sparring with Snow White (from the third Shrek movie),possibly because I was annoyed with her self-satisfied perfection and ability to sleep undisturbed for many hours. It was an enjoyable dream, partly because I was winning, and partly because it allowed me to vent my frustrations on a fictional character who I'd admired as a child. I don't identify with the Disney version any more, too sweet and passive. If I'm Snow White, I need to be the tough fighting version who goes back to vanquish the wicked queen. Or maybe my dream was taking out my frustrations on the mythical promise of fairy tales, of "happily ever afters" that don't always come true. We were sold a dud, a fantasy to help give us hope that things would turn out all right through true love's first kiss, or the magical intervention of a fairy godmother who would reverse the unfairness and drudgery of a Cinderella existence and see you whisked away to a life of ease in the palace. What crap! Superficial stories to disguise the inherent, random, unfairness of life, and to keep little girls growing up imagining that a handsome prince would save them, rather than encouraging them to save themselves!
Here's a good one for you: to cheer you up: Did I tell you that my MRI was good on Monday? (Cue fireworks and the third movement from Beethoven's 9th- Freude, schöne, götterfunken, tochter Aus Elysium, wir betreten feuer-trunken, himmelsche dein heilichtum - I'm going to sing it in my head for the rest of the night.)
It's now 3am, I started this post around 930 last night. Sleep was good, until my bladder and bowels conspired to wake me. I resisted their call from the warm place I was in, until my drip tower started beeping - the magnesium infusion was over. Two more units of potassium to go, itchy eyes from the magnesium and potassium I've already received, and then a sting in the tail, literally, after going to the loo. It seems that potassium infusions don't only sting your veins as they go in, the mineral also stings elsewhere as it goes out. Ouchy!
Grumbling aside, I know this is just another glitch, and I hereby declare that the new year now starts for me on January 17th, the anniversary of the ultrasound that started this series of events. (Though I'm still happy to receive any benefits 2014 may choose to bestow before then).
Does being described as an "interesting patient" count as a benefit?
The anaesthetist told me he advised his students to never become "interesting patients". My neuropsychology lecturers also told me to avoid that phrase in reports: it may be true, but it makes other patients sound less interesting - summons up images of neuropsychs being bored by uninteresting cases - not something I can recall experiencing. Every case, and their family, was unique, and while some were more complex than others, all were interesting on some level.
I can't type any more on my iPhone, the screen is too small for my blurry vision, and the extra potassium isn't helpng.
Think of me tomorrow morning as I'm "first cab off the rank" to get my port inserted under a general anaesthetic. My first, and hopefully last, for the year.
Much love and gratitude to you all.
