I'm starting to feel a little sad at the prospect of losing my hair. I spent all last year growing it to collarbone length, and just as it's got there, it's going to be falling out! This is also irritating because wavy hair has started to come back into fashion, and for the first time in my life, mine was behaving itself well when allowed to go wavy.
When it was shorter, the waves were just ridiculous. Undisciplined, unshapely. So when I learnt to straighten it with the hairdryer, I regretted all those childhood and adolescent years when I hated my wavy hair and felt ugly because I didn't have long straight hair like the other girls. I was never taught, and never asked, how to straighten my hair because mum told me how lucky I was to have wavy hair. I thought I should be grateful for what God had given me, and that I shouldn't try to change it.
So it seems very ironic that I should soon lose my hair, now that I'm finally happy with it, and able to control it to suit me. It's also ironic that it is likely to grow back fuzzier and curlier than before.
At least I have a beautiful natural hair wig to use. I got David to try it on after school - he thought it was fun to dress up as a "hippy"; I was given a glimpse of what I might have looked like if I'd had long hair as a kid (David seems to resemble me a lot, only I think he's far more attractive), and it also gave me glimpse of what a daughter may have looked like. I imagined how having had long hair at school would have helped me feel more normal, less of an ugly freak with horrible short wavy hair, how that might have improved my self-esteem, and how it would probably have changed who I am today. I'm glad for all the difficulties I encountered. The bullying wasn't fun, I had some pretty low times, but it all made me stronger and helped me get to where I am now.
So when my hair starts to fall out, I'm going to tie it in lengths, cut it off, donate it for wigs, shave my head smooth, and rejoice in finally getting my Sinead O'Connor smooth look. I'll pull up some of her songs on YouTube, and rather than getting maudlin over 'nothing compares 2u,' I will sing my heart out to 'troy' and her other gutsy songs from The Lion and the Cobra album, and I'll be glad for everyone who has struggled with adversity. (I'll also be glad that I haven't felt compelled to sing such angst-ridden songs for over 20 years;)
I'll enjoy flipping the lovely layered wig around, and wearing beanies at home to keep warm, and when my hair starts to grow back fuzzy, I'll cover it in classic, stylish hats and cloches (there are some great ones in the USA). I'll be getting stronger still, and calmer, and more focused on making the most of this wonderful life, and in loving and appreciating every living thing I encounter.
PS (if my obstetrician could hear me, he'd probably say that's the last sentence is the opiates talking, like he did when I said I felt euphoric after Nathaniel was born... Cynical savant!)
Sweet dreams!
A blog started in 2013 to inform family and friends about my treatment and progress for early breast cancer. Then I went and got two brain tumours,,both GBMs, completely unrelated to the breast cancer, so the blog continues.
Background and overview
I learnt more about the health system from being an inpatient than I had in 20 years of working as a neuropsychologist. I was unexpectedly diagnosed with two brain tumours on 4/9/13. They turned out to be grade IV Gliomas (glioblastoma multiforme (GBM)). After removal of the right parietal and left occipital tumours, I received the standard treatment under the Stupp protocol (combined Temozolamide (TMZ) and conformal radiotherapy 5 days/week for 6 weeks), but the TMZ had to be ceased after 5 weeks because I had started to develop pancytopenia, where more than one of my blood counts had begun to drop. By Christmas 2013, I had become anaemic and needed a couple of blood transfusions. I ended up in hospital for 3 weeks of the 2014 new year after experiencing my first seizure (suggestive of a right temporal lobe focus) on 31/12/13). They were so worried about my bone marrow, they did a biopsy. Luckily, it was all clear of any nasty disorders. It had just been suppressed by the TMZ My blood counts slowly returned to normal with daily injections of GCSF, which stimulate bone marrow function, for several months. For 17 months I was doing better each day, without any physical impairments or major cognitive problems A third brain tumour was found in the right temporal lobe on 2/1/15, and removed 6/1/15, only to reappear on 17/2/15 after I started to feel vague symptoms at the end of 2014. I had my 4th round of brain surgery on 1/3/15, followed by stereotaxic radio surgery of a residual, inoperable, tumour, on 17/4/15. I've been feeling like my old self again since that highly precise form of radiotherapy, and it feels fabulous.
My way of coping.
I choose to live in hope that everything will work out for the best. I've learnt that even though things are sometimes unpleasant, life and love go on forever. I put my faith in the life force that created and unites us all in love, across all time, space, and dimensions. I refuse to succumb to fear, which is an invention of our imaginations. There are an infinite number of things to fear, both in this world an in our imaginations, and most of them never eventuate. I choose not to dwell on them, and to focus instead on counting my many blessings, current and past, and to have faith and hope that if I look after the present moment, the future will look after itself.
If you're reading, and haven't been in touch, please don't be shy, send me a brief private message using the contact form on the right. It's nice to know who's out there. Blogging can leave me feeling a little isolated at times (I used to have recurrent dreams of being out on a limb over a canyon, or of starting to strip off in a crowded waiting room). Your emails are appreciated, although I can't necessarily answer all of them.
