I'm feeling more tired than I expected. A bit achey, especially my upper arm. The pain hasn't been too bad. I haven't had any endone today, though its probably time for more panadol.
I slept really well last night, woke up feeling bright and ready to jump out of bed. Until I remembered that I now have the chest of a 10 year-old on one side, and how tired I got yesterday after a rotten night's sleep and a lot of visitors.
I'm taking it easy today, reading The Hobbit, have had three naps, a little outing with Ben and the boys, and not so many visitors.
The surgeon came a little while ago, said my breast weighed 800 g, and that one of the drains could come out. A strange feeling, having a 25cm long tube pulled out of my chest, like a huge worm reluctantly being evicted under my supporting hand. No pain though :)
It felt good, sitting on my bed with my shirt only half-on. The feeling of the breeze on my breastless torso reminded me of being a little kid, able to run around topless without a care in the world. Apart from more discomfort, I wouldn't mind if the other breast were gone too. No more feeling lopsided, no worrying about what might happen in the other side while I have chemo... But I doubt I'd be able to go out topless.
I'm looking forward to going home tomorrow, though I wish I wasn't so darned tired. I'm feeling a bit angry as well, this is an unwelcome disruption. I'm glad we've caught it early. I know it would have needed treatment if it had been caught earlier. I know we can't choose these things. But it's a bloody nuisance. I wanted a quiet year with my family, not another year of illness and disruption.
But you can't always get what you want, and, if the Stones are correct, sometimes you get what you need. Great.
Last year seemed bad enough, with dad dying 12 months ago, our dog getting lymphoma and going blind, my dear cousin bravely trying to keep life normal while her cancer took it away from her. Getting through all of that has strengthened me for the times ahead, and I'm grateful for that.
A blog started in 2013 to inform family and friends about my treatment and progress for early breast cancer. Then I went and got two brain tumours,,both GBMs, completely unrelated to the breast cancer, so the blog continues.
Background and overview
I learnt more about the health system from being an inpatient than I had in 20 years of working as a neuropsychologist. I was unexpectedly diagnosed with two brain tumours on 4/9/13. They turned out to be grade IV Gliomas (glioblastoma multiforme (GBM)). After removal of the right parietal and left occipital tumours, I received the standard treatment under the Stupp protocol (combined Temozolamide (TMZ) and conformal radiotherapy 5 days/week for 6 weeks), but the TMZ had to be ceased after 5 weeks because I had started to develop pancytopenia, where more than one of my blood counts had begun to drop. By Christmas 2013, I had become anaemic and needed a couple of blood transfusions. I ended up in hospital for 3 weeks of the 2014 new year after experiencing my first seizure (suggestive of a right temporal lobe focus) on 31/12/13). They were so worried about my bone marrow, they did a biopsy. Luckily, it was all clear of any nasty disorders. It had just been suppressed by the TMZ My blood counts slowly returned to normal with daily injections of GCSF, which stimulate bone marrow function, for several months. For 17 months I was doing better each day, without any physical impairments or major cognitive problems A third brain tumour was found in the right temporal lobe on 2/1/15, and removed 6/1/15, only to reappear on 17/2/15 after I started to feel vague symptoms at the end of 2014. I had my 4th round of brain surgery on 1/3/15, followed by stereotaxic radio surgery of a residual, inoperable, tumour, on 17/4/15. I've been feeling like my old self again since that highly precise form of radiotherapy, and it feels fabulous.
My way of coping.
I choose to live in hope that everything will work out for the best. I've learnt that even though things are sometimes unpleasant, life and love go on forever. I put my faith in the life force that created and unites us all in love, across all time, space, and dimensions. I refuse to succumb to fear, which is an invention of our imaginations. There are an infinite number of things to fear, both in this world an in our imaginations, and most of them never eventuate. I choose not to dwell on them, and to focus instead on counting my many blessings, current and past, and to have faith and hope that if I look after the present moment, the future will look after itself.
If you're reading, and haven't been in touch, please don't be shy, send me a brief private message using the contact form on the right. It's nice to know who's out there. Blogging can leave me feeling a little isolated at times (I used to have recurrent dreams of being out on a limb over a canyon, or of starting to strip off in a crowded waiting room). Your emails are appreciated, although I can't necessarily answer all of them.
