I'm not sure if I've written about this before, but I've spoken to a few people about it, and they all say I should write about it as well.
After my first craniotomy in September 2013, I was having trouble sleeping because of the dexamethasone I was having to reduce swelling in my brain. I was offered a benzodiazepine (Temazepam) to help me sleep, but I tended to decline the offer, because it felt like it was cheating to not go to sleep on my own. I desperately needed and wanted to sleep, but just couldn't. I think I blogged about the sleepless nights, but I don't think I wrote about this experience because I worried what people might think.
One night, while my body was asleep and my brain was still ticking away, I sensed a divine golden light that connected all living things across time and space. The light was love, and I sensed that it came from the creator of all things. The creator and the light were one. They were without gender or religion or denomination. The light had created, and was infused in everything. I was actually aware that time and space and distance were all illusions, constructed by our minds because we find it hard to comprehend that time and space do not exist as singular entities. I perceived that every point in time and space exists concurrently, at the same time; that every soul is eternal, and has existed, and will continue to exist, thoughout eternity; there is no endpoint in time and space, it is infinite, and the divine golden light sends beautiful tendrils throughout time and space, and connects all of us.
I would try to visualise the golden light whenever I had radiotherapy after my first two brain tumours were removed. I hoped that it would help to cure me. I'm reaching out for it again as I prepare for another MRI scan, 47 days after the New Year's Eve scan that showed a new tumour growing in my right temporal lobe. I'm seeing a young neurosurgeon in Melbourne on Thursday. He has specialised in brain tumours, and I'm feeling hopeful that I might be able to have a reassuring conversation with him.
I've been reading various articles about spirituality on the web lately, and haven't seen anything like the experience I had. One friend laughingly suggested it was all due to the Dex playing tricks on my mind. I wondered if the sleep deprivation had also contributedit felt like the most real experience I'd ever had, and I was so grateful for it, I'd been so afraid of dying during surgery, or due to the tumour after I saw the pathology report.
I have searched the Internet once or twice for golden light. The most interesting discovery was theSutra of the golden light. I will search again tonight, then bathe myself in it before I sleep.
Wishing golden light, healing, and love to all of you and your loved ones
A blog started in 2013 to inform family and friends about my treatment and progress for early breast cancer. Then I went and got two brain tumours,,both GBMs, completely unrelated to the breast cancer, so the blog continues.
Background and overview
I learnt more about the health system from being an inpatient than I had in 20 years of working as a neuropsychologist. I was unexpectedly diagnosed with two brain tumours on 4/9/13. They turned out to be grade IV Gliomas (glioblastoma multiforme (GBM)). After removal of the right parietal and left occipital tumours, I received the standard treatment under the Stupp protocol (combined Temozolamide (TMZ) and conformal radiotherapy 5 days/week for 6 weeks), but the TMZ had to be ceased after 5 weeks because I had started to develop pancytopenia, where more than one of my blood counts had begun to drop. By Christmas 2013, I had become anaemic and needed a couple of blood transfusions. I ended up in hospital for 3 weeks of the 2014 new year after experiencing my first seizure (suggestive of a right temporal lobe focus) on 31/12/13). They were so worried about my bone marrow, they did a biopsy. Luckily, it was all clear of any nasty disorders. It had just been suppressed by the TMZ My blood counts slowly returned to normal with daily injections of GCSF, which stimulate bone marrow function, for several months. For 17 months I was doing better each day, without any physical impairments or major cognitive problems A third brain tumour was found in the right temporal lobe on 2/1/15, and removed 6/1/15, only to reappear on 17/2/15 after I started to feel vague symptoms at the end of 2014. I had my 4th round of brain surgery on 1/3/15, followed by stereotaxic radio surgery of a residual, inoperable, tumour, on 17/4/15. I've been feeling like my old self again since that highly precise form of radiotherapy, and it feels fabulous.
My way of coping.
I choose to live in hope that everything will work out for the best. I've learnt that even though things are sometimes unpleasant, life and love go on forever. I put my faith in the life force that created and unites us all in love, across all time, space, and dimensions. I refuse to succumb to fear, which is an invention of our imaginations. There are an infinite number of things to fear, both in this world an in our imaginations, and most of them never eventuate. I choose not to dwell on them, and to focus instead on counting my many blessings, current and past, and to have faith and hope that if I look after the present moment, the future will look after itself.
If you're reading, and haven't been in touch, please don't be shy, send me a brief private message using the contact form on the right. It's nice to know who's out there. Blogging can leave me feeling a little isolated at times (I used to have recurrent dreams of being out on a limb over a canyon, or of starting to strip off in a crowded waiting room). Your emails are appreciated, although I can't necessarily answer all of them.
