My skin is only just starting to get irritated by the radiation. It's quite red under my arm, and there are a number of spots over my collarbone. They're not sore, but a nurse at the clinic has given me a foam-like patch to put over them to protect the skin. I'll be seeing my rad onc on Wednesday, so I'll be able to ask him about the rather odd symptoms I've developed - the old childhood scars on my knees have become red and itchy, and I'm producing an excess of saliva, which is rather embarrassing when I talk, because I have to swallow repeatedly, or sound like my mouth is full of slobber. I'm not having any swallowing problems, my salivary glands just seem to be overactive. Ben wonders if my oesophagus is being affected by the chemo, but it shouldn't be, darn well had better not be affected, and I'm not having trouble swallowing food or water. Overall though, radiation isn't as bad as chemo, and while it won't be pleasant if my skin starts to feel sunburnt, I can live with it.
I've been doing some reading about recovery after cancer, and one source said that recovery takes about one month for every month of treatment. That will take me to march next year. I'm feeling quite withdrawn, in a centered kind of way, and don't feel any great desire to get back to work quickly. I still need to recovery my strength and deal with the fatigue. I miss the people from work, but felt shaken after talking to one of the OTs who I saw in the hallway this morning. It was confronting to talk to someone who was concerned about my welfare on a personal level. Blogging has helped remove me from needing to talk about it. I know that people won't be in my face about it when I do go back to work, but sensing other people's concern for me makes it all feel more real, somehow, and it makes me feel vulnerable and upset. I'm not sure why, and don't feel like exploring it right now. In addition, I found it slightly distressing to hear other patients chatting about their diagnoses and progress in the waiting room last week, so I don't know how I'd cope with taking histories from patients.
It's too early to think about work just now, I know. It's one of those things I need to leave for later, along with the thought of having a prophylactic mastectomy and a reconstruction. I need to focus on my immediate needs, for sleep, nutrition, and loving contact with my beautiful children.
One thing that I'm very grateful for is the opportunity to have cast aside all the distractions that kept me from fully appreciating my children. I can't get back the time I've lost, but I can make the most of every day from now on.
A sleep window has opened, time to slip through it and dream.
